Not farewell, not yet..

Feeling up, feeling down, whatever I'm feeling can't be descried by words.. Can I run away? can I hide? probably many people feel the same, but it feels like this tunnel is cold and empty with no hope of escaping.

A prisoner who can be imprisoned for a cause or a crime, he has to fight for freedom, but the odds of him losing his life are high, and he might get out of prison just to go to his grave. What happens when he die? had death gave him what he wants or did it lead him to a worse place where he face his deeds? What does a person feel when he dies anyways? does it matter whether he lived free or not? What does his soul feel after liberating from our material world? Is freedom an illusion we can never achieve or are we free but carrying around the illusion of not being so?

A dreamer can be trapped in his own dreams, the dreams that make him see the boundaries of reality that people usually don't see. This turns his dreams to a prison with multiple walls that surround him like a huge maze. It's a dreamers gift and curse, but things get worse when he finally starts to lose it, and stops working for his dreams, it's when he calls death or simply waits for it because he thinks it's his way out of this mess. But what can he do when the boundaries are so high and tough that they break his dreams like fragile glass eggs? you can't even have an omelet out of glass eggs.

What's funny about dreams that they seem really close yet far away. You need this initial step to start working for your dreams and you find some big trap in your way, like your parents who might act out of love and fear but they don't know how much they hurt you, or living in a country where society and traditions and norms can kill you. That initial step that you later realize it's not just that big trap, but also other more traps in the way, you can't get a job, you can't real experience, you will face hate because of your race or gender or religion or even just ideas, you can't run away, and people around you have lots of expectations when you know you are nothing but a failure who just wants to die, then you realize death doesn't want you either! Act tough and defend your dreams or you will be a living dead, there is no turning point after spending much time since you were a child over what you've always believed in.

This is when you realize you've been procrastinating, you haven't done much and others are passing your level with an ease just because they are majoring what you've always wanted to study at your college years instead of wasting it on some other area that can be helpful but irrelevant, and you are not getting younger. You remember these words of one of your teachers when you talked to him about your dreams, and how he told you that you are at the very wrong place asking the wrong man. Remember those who also asked you why you were there instead of studying what you really love? All of these ideas flash through your brain after spending almost a year jobless, most of it dying or pretending to be busy while your parents kept making fun of your personality and dreams, and demanding you to do things you don't like to get stuff you don't want or need.

Here goes a year of nothing, wasted on trying to be a masters student for a few month just because your parents said so, and the rest trying to practice and follow up with the others who have already passed your level years ago. You can't find a single job and you can't go anywhere away from your home because you were never used to go out on your own, you know nothing about people or streets, you waste lots of opportunities because of all this shit, and you are chocking on your dreams. You wish you are a normal person who can just blend in with hopes to get a decent well payed job and a perfect spouse chosen by your parents then a couple of perfect kids who will follow your lead, then you realize that this life exactly is what you are fighting against because you want happiness your own way and you want to marry your love, but then you remember you can't even marry the one you love because it's unrequited love that you know it will never be two sided but you can't marry any body else yet you still don't confess to know if it can be two sided because.. it's complicated!

You know your parents want the best for you, they truly love you, but they didn't know they hurt you until they saw actual tears in your eyes. You are trying your best to bring them to your side, and only succeeded to change some of their ideas because they love you. But it still hurts a lot, deep in your worn out numb heart you still can feel the pain. Your soul is bleeding yet you know you can't stop and you have to go on, stopping is death and it's better die running! Don't talk about how your parents hurt you because this will hurt them because then don't mean to and you know it, you hate hurting them. Your siblings are sometimes pain as well, they can mock you and ruin your plans, also can take over your personal space. What is needed is to live alone, marriage is not an option so just try harder on finding a job and save up to buy a small apartment in a far place. Don't worry about people you love because you will be free enough to decide to see or call them whenever you can.

It's all about breaking down these walls you see as a dreamer, without sounding or being arrogant you have to overcome everything and be strong. That initial step you need to take when everybody else have already took it and even went to the second one or the third, that step is your hope to start, it's not to get a job or to study what you love, it's to gain your freedom and break down the walls to the next level. It might sound hard for some, might sound overrated for others, or might sound very childish or innocent that someone is actually facing these kind of problems, but doesn't each one of us have their own battles? My body and brain are already stressed and need rest away from humans, my heart is working on a fortress that might protect it from its weaknesses and fears, and I still have a very long way to go if I wanted to change my life and mold it to what I want. In every prayer, I pray that God would answer my wishes and help me reach my dreams..

26 days left

Clocks are ticking, more pages are being removed from my calendar... The future is getting nearer everyday.

Lots of days have passed in my short life as a mortal on earth; happy days, sad days, good days, unfortunate ones... Lots of memories that are fading in my memory and others that can never be forgotten. People come and go, some stay for a long time, others just pass by, some are forgotten, others are deeply preserved in my mind, others are in my heart, and they always leave a mark, either a positive or a negative one. I change along the path, and it's impossible for me to remain the same person all along. The only one who never changes is God, He's my only company that never leaves or changes at any stage.

I looked at the calender, counted the days before that day... A day that will be sad, and will never be erased from my heart, with people who stayed for long and left a deep mark in me, a positive one... But what's the difference? This ain't the first time I ever have a day like that, and leave a place where I shared memories with people I love, also I lost many loved ones already; so why am I that sad this time??

Sadness really made me not welling to work, afraid of the future, afraid of losing them again.. I have to overcome this feeling and do my best, but it's not as simple to be done as to be said. Being down and having negative feelings are annoying and stop one's progress and will to live... "Future is gonna be tough" is the only thought I have in my mind now.

Tough, not only for leaving this stage and leaving colleagues and friends I love, but also for many things; my career choice, my family, my parents, my marriage, my education, my dreams... Lots of troubles seem far away, yet, very close.. As if you know you are falling into a trap, but there is no way you can avoid it. Even if I believed that life is a game, I sometimes take games seriously...

Never growing up

Anybody listened to Avril Lavgine's new song: Here's for never growing up?
I just listened to it, and it's cool, but the problem is it made me feel so bad. I'm somehow not a very social person, but I do appreciate my friends and love them. Lately, I'm in a bad condition but never really talked about it to anyone, pretending to be strong and all. That doesn't mean that it wasn't noticeable or something, one of my close friends told me that I don't seem to be okay these days..

These days, college takes most of my time that I isolated myself from the world, I don't even talk to my friends and stopped participating in outside activities and even staying away from my own family. I also don't laugh much or try to enjoy anything with anyone, and I'm no longer interested in politics or society. I don't know why I'm doing this tho, and it's stupid I know, but it's what is happening.

The song Avril sang, Here's for never growing up, talks about friendship, which really made me feel bad for not contacting my friends lately, the thing that bothers me.. I feel sad because I no longer talk with them, and stay alone most of the time. The only ones I meet are my college friends, which are close to me too, but I usually meet them to only work on our graduation project or attend something at college.
The state I left myself in made me really unable to work or to be productive, and maybe even made me lose my feelings and start to be a colder person. But sometimes it makes me want to cry a lot and sleep a lot..

This might be because I don't talk about it? I know now it's on my personal blog but actually since random people who don't know me read it, it feels like I'm screaming but without being heard. It may be because I don't want to bother my friends with the silly problems I face, they have their own after all and they have their own issues, and I'm not a cry baby to come everyday telling them about my problems and annoy them.. But it can also be because it's my last year and I'll be no longer able to see most of my college friends.. After giving it a deeper thought, it's all these reasons combined, plus the fact that I'm losing my self confidence and my strength.. plus me not being able to communicate well with people around me most of the time.

All I need to be sure of is: My friends won't hate me for this, and they won't stop being my friends just because I stopped talking to them lately.. because it seems like I'm already losing my closest friend no matter how much effort I'm putting to keep this friendship alive... What a mess!
I just need to tell my friends.. Here's for not growing up!

What to do..

It can happen that you face a situation when you feel words failing you and you can't say anything suitable for the situation. You fail to tell what's going on your mind and what you feel in your heart.. You just fail to communicate with others..

It's even worse when you are dealing with someone dear to you, like a sibling, a parent, a son, a daughter, a friend, a crush, a spouse.. You have those feelings which you find hard to translate into understandable language. And when you realize that the words you used aren't suitable, it's already too late to change what was said. It's a problem that can hurt people's feelings and can put you in the worse situations, and may cause you loosing the ones you love..

What in the world can be done to get red of this problem? Words are not really my best friend.. and I'm sick of not being able to say what I feel or think.. I don't want it to be late to say what's in my heart.
I love those who are close to me, I love my family and friends and I care about them more than caring about myself. I don't know how they feel when I fail to tell them, may be sometimes they think I don't care at all and I act selfish. But in fact, I don't want them to be sad, I hate seeing them suffering, I want to lift their spirits and I want them to be happy... I just don't know what to do to show them..

It's a flaw among my flaws, a flaw that I really hate...